The Return of Billy the Kid

After the longest month of my life has finally come to an end, I am sitting in the Frankfurt airport with all of my fingers and toes crossed. Believe me, it’s not an attractive way to sit, but after I got stranded in Newark, New Jersey I’m absolutely not taking any chances. If I were to write a biography (that would make it an auto-biography, wouldn’t it?) about this trip, it would be titled Why the Transportation System Everywhere Is Awful All the Time. If I were doing a thesis for my doctorate in Unusual Sciences, it would be titled The Greater Need: Why Teleportation Should Be a Legitimate Concern. I’m lazy, as the last joke would denote, and I am now going to compile a list/ summary of things that happened to me that you should be aware of.

  • I got lost on the train systems a total of 8 times. Trains are dumb.
  • In order to avoid drinking an alcoholic beverage one evening, I ordered a cocktail that made up for what it lacked in alcoholic content by being named “Safer Sex on the Beach.” Yes I did order that and yes I did blush.
  • I was frequently yelled at in German by numerous Berliners, only to then be profusely apologized to when they realized that “they had confused me for a German.”
  • I learned that JFK did NOT actually say he was a jelly donut.
  • I was a patron in a bar that had hospital gurneys for seats. It was terrifying.
  • I saw many fedoras and no, I did not drop kick any of them off of the wearer’s head.
  • I got hard-bodied (when someone throws the full force of their body into you in a gesture of utter disregard for you as a person) by a 90 year old woman who “just wanted off the train”.
  • A lady at the airport got so mad at the gate agents that she stood up from her wheelchair to yell at them. She did not appreciate me yelling “it’s a miracle!!” or me hugging her.
  • I hate trains.

Unlike other teens my age, I never had desire to travel over seas. I was comfortable at home. However, this last month, as bad as it was at some points, was vital to my life. The lack of knowledge of other cultures is something that is going to hinder the American people if we do not rise to the level of awareness that many other countries have. I’m not saying you should have wanderlust, that you should travel, or that you should try to visit every inch of the world. I’m saying that the only way to live is to furiously attempt to shatter every remnant of your comfort zone until you feel comfortable wearing a fedora. Then, and only then, should you decide to retire from the adventurous, terrifying life style. Am I saying that you should make reckless, YOLO inspired decisions that cause you bodily harm or others mental instability? Absolutely not. There is a great difference between pushing yourself to places just outside your personal comfort zone and being a reckless, immoral fool. I realize these words can be viewed as harsh and the only comment I have on that is that I half-heartedly apologize. I’ve gotten lost amongst my own words. I apologize. I will close with this: Be thankful for those in your life that push you to those places that you alone wouldn’t go. For me, that was Germany. For you, that can be anywhere.

I’m sorry for becoming a little free-spirited on this post and thank you for reading these ridiculous, unorganized, sarcastic blog posts,

Kellen “The Man” Schneider


(This will be my last blog entry for EmbarassedTourist, seeing as now I’ll just return to being an embarrassed person and if you think about it, I have way too much material to even begin to write about on that topic.)